


Our Lives Are Not Our Own

by LastHope



Series: Sacrifices [1]
Category: D.Gray-man, Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - D.Gray-Man, Angst, Assisted Suicide, Blood, Gen, Unreliable Narrator, Violence, attempted suicide, referenced character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 06:06:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastHope/pseuds/LastHope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their lives never belonged to them. They were made for a single purpose. For fighting Akuma, protecting people. Anri still isn’t too sure how she is supposed to feel about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Lives Are Not Our Own

**Author's Note:**

> This is for everyone who said they wanted to see more of the "Sacrifices" Universe. This story takes us back about five/six years in the timeline from where Sacrifices ended to tell another story - the one on Anri and Ruri who were mentioned for like two lines in Sacrifices. I also plan on doing one for Celty joining the Order, but that's going to be a little bit. I was motivated for this one due to D.Gray-Man Hallow, and the fact that they're doing the Alma Karma arc right now, which is what this mirrors (but doesn't follow completely!)
> 
> (I'm crying Tsukikami is the only character in this that belongs to the DGM verse)

“Wow!” A crowing voice is what greets her as she’s pulled, coughing, from warm water to a freezing room. “Another one woke up! Isn’t that wonderful Ruri?”

“Yes,” A much deader voice agrees blankly, and she raises her head hesitantly to stare up at two other girls. One is standing a little away from the water that she just emerged from, and she turns away as she continues, “I’ll inform the Supervisor.”

“Just don’t talk to Seiji, he’s mine!” The other one puffs out her cheeks, before thrusting herself into her personal space. “My name’s Mika Harima! The girl who just left was Ruri Hijiribe, she’s been around a _lot_ longer than me, they’re saying she might get to leave soon, lucky! But that’s okay, as long as I can stay around my Seiji! Hey, what’s your name?”

“M-My name?” She replies nervously, looking up, trying to figure out what her name is. What is it? She doesn’t know. “I-I don’t know… I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine.” A new voice enters, speaking brusquely and flatly. “You get to pick your name.”

It’s another woman, cold looking, with a white lab coat thrown over her outfit. There’s a white robe draped over her arm, and she has a clipboard with her.

“Ah, Miss Kujiragi!” Mika Harima crows before pouting slightly. “Where’s Seiji? I thought he and that other one were the ones who checked on the pools! It’s not normal for you to be here Miss Kujiragi!”

“Cover up,” Miss Kujiragi orders her, ignoring Mika Harima and holding out the white robe to the still very much confused young girl. Hesitantly, she took the robe, fumbling with it until she figured out how to put it on herself. “Follow me.”

Miss Kujiragi turns and starts striding away, leaving her alone with Mika Harima to stumble to her feet and follow after.

Not once does Mika Harima offer her assistance, but neither does she shut up.

For some reason though she finds it comforting, as if she has been surrounded by silence for too long.

And who knows?

Maybe she has.

* * *

Anri Sonohara. That is her name, Anri Sonohara.

Where Miss Kujiragi leads her is some sort of examination room, where a bunch of people do what they refer to as a “check-up” on her, marking a lot of things down on clipboards and “hmm”ing a lot to one another. As soon as it is done, they tell her she can pick a name.

According to them, she has just been “born”. After the other two – Mika Harima and Ruri Hijiribe – had been born, they had been permitted to pick their own names. The same is permitted of her, though she is hesitant to do so.

“I-I don’t want to,” What if the name she picks is wrong? She refuses, causing discomfort amongst the people around her. They appear distressed that she does not want to choose her own name. “Can’t you just give me one?”

“That is impossible,” Miss Kujiragi starts to deny her request, but another person interrupts her.

“How about Anri?” The man suggests. “Anri Sonohara.”

“ _Sonohara_ ,” Someone else hisses at the man. “You can’t just give your name to the –”

“Of course I can,” He replies, almost singing, plain as day. “And I’m not giving it to the poor thing, I’m offering it to her, there’s a difference.”

The man, Sonohara, smiles down at her, radiant.

“So, what do you say little miss?” Sonohara asks, kneeling a little so he’s eye level with the girl sitting on the exam table. “Do you like the name, or do you want a different one?”

“I-I don’t want to get you in trouble for giving me your name,” She says, wanting to look away but finding the movement impossible to do.

“Nonsense,” He shakes his head. Not once does the smile leave his face. “They’re just getting in a twist because they haven’t encountered a situation like this before. What do _you_ want?”

What does she want? It’s a novel question, she hasn’t been asked that before. At least not that she can remember.

“I-I like it,” Her voice is hesitant, before she repeats herself a bit firmer. “I like it. My name is Anri Sonohara.”

“Thatta girl,” Whispers Sonohara as he smiles softly, causing a weird fluttering in her chest that makes Anri smile in return.

As she’s led away though, for a moment Anri feels like she made the wrong choice in names as she can hear someone start to berate Sonohara. The last thing she hears from the room before the door swings shut fully is,

“I did nothing wrong! The only stipulation is they don’t take their names from –”

She wonders where they’re forbidden to take their names from.

* * *

“Ahh, I still can’t believe Mister Sonohara let you take his last name!” Mika is still gushing about it days later. “What I wouldn’t give to have had the opportunity to take Seiji’s last name as my own instead of picking Harima, what a dream come true that would have been!”

Anri still hasn’t met Seiji. She sort of doubts his existence, but knows enough not to mention that to Mika.

“You could marry him,” Ruri offers from her spot, not looking up from her book. She says it in an offhand manner, like she couldn’t care less about Mika’s gushing.

“Oh, that’s right!” Mika squeals.

“Um, m-marry him?” Anri asks, not quite sure she understands what the other two are talking about. The term is new to her, and she doesn’t quite understand what it has to do with Mika’s name plight.

“When two people marry,” Ruri recites over her book, almost as if she’s reading it straight from the novel, “It is common practice for one of the pair to take the other’s last name. More commonly the female changes her last name to match the male’s. In some cultures, both halves of the pair add the other’s last name to their own.”

“Oh.” Anri says softly, while Mika is only encouraged more by Ruri’s words.

“Oh my gosh, that sounds even better Ruri!” Mika seems even more thrilled by the last part of what the older girl said. “ _Him_ taking _my_ last name as well? I need to go ask him right now, I mean _right now!_ ”

With that, Mika scurries off, leaving Anri sitting awkwardly with Ruri.

“Um, Ruri?” She asks, and the girl answers her question before Anri can even ask it.

“Generally, two people get married after being in what is deemed a ‘romantic relationship’ for an indiscriminate period of time,” Ruri says. “Not all people in romantic relationships get married, and not all people who get married are in a romantic relationship.”

“Okay,” Anri says. She thinks for a moment, then says. “So… d-does that mean Mika and Seiji aren’t in a romantic relationship?”

“They’re not.”

Anri’s not sure why that assertion relieves her, or how to interpret the quick expression that fills Ruri’s face for a mere moment before it returns to its usual blank slate.

* * *

Within a week of her waking up, they have Anri starting something they refer to as “Innocence Trials”. She’s not sure what it means exactly, but she knows that the process itself is painful. Men in red cloaks and white masks tell her she needs to “synchronize” with the “Innocence”. After twelve trials in one day, she’s still uncertain as to what any of it means.

Anri _knows_ what she’s supposed to try to do, but she doesn’t know what any of it _means._

Each day she’s escorted to a room with many pillars. Each day she’s taken to the same pillar, taken to the same jagged Angel statue. Each day the six wings of the statue pierces her body and she’s ordered to “synchronize”. Each day she’s put through multiple trials that send her into a sinking suffocating darkness that feels familiar and comfortable before she’s pulled back to the room with the pillars.

Each day she fails to “synchronize” with the “Innocence”.

She tries asking what it is she’s supposed to do, but no one tells her. None of the adults in charge of them, and neither do Mika or Ruri. Her only solace is that Mika seems to have as much trouble “synchronizing” with the “Innocence” as she does, though Ruri seems to be a bit farther than both of them, albeit still failing.

It’s obvious that she’s doing the worst of the three though. Not only is it her self-esteem telling her this, but it’s the conversation she overhears one day, passing by a medical room. Anri knows that it’s inappropriate to eavesdrop, but something else, deeper within her, tells her she needs to stop. That she needs to listen.

And though she doesn’t know why, she does.

 _“-not progressing as fast as anticipated.”_ An unfamiliar voice is saying. Feet are pacing within the door, the sound of the gait and stride different than what Anri is used to hearing. Probably not someone she knows.

 _“Out of the group, the most advanced and stable is Ruri Hijiribe.”_ That voice is Sonohara. Anri would recognize it anywhere, having had several conversations with the older man before. Their conversations were on anything and everything, though whenever Anri had tried to talk to the man about the “Innocence Trials” he would either redirect or not answer her.

 _“Indeed. Stable synchronization is estimated to occur within the week, ability to be moved to a new headquarters within the month.”_ This one… is familiar as well, but Anri doesn’t have a name to put with it. She thinks it’s the person that Ruri is always talking with, but she could be wrong.

 _“Mika Harima’s attachment to Seiji Yagiri is troubling. It could be impeding her progress. I suggest we relocate him to a different headquarters until she has more stable success in the trials.”_ It’s Sonohara again, and his words are troubling to Anri. Every time they talked, he had always seemed so supportive of Mika and her infatuation with Seiji, but this? This doesn’t seem like him, suggesting to separate them.

 _“Nonsense. If we move him, we risk triggering another Karma incident. At this point in time, it’s more beneficial to keep him here.”_ Anri recognizes this voice as Miss Kujiragi’s. With the way she emphasizes the word “Karma”, Anri can tell that she’s referring to something that occurred with a person. It’s a bit worrisome, especially since Anri is fairly certain that this is information that’s being kept from everyone.

 _“What about Sonohara’s namesake?”_ The unfamiliar voice speaks again, the voice light and jabbing this time, as if they’re teasing Sonohara.

 _“She’s progressing the worst of the three in the trials. Not only that, but her demeanor is too timid. The hesitance she shows would only get her killed on the battlefield, even with the regenerative abilities.”_ Unmistakably, this is Sonohara talking about her.

Anri isn’t sure what stings more – the fact that this is Sonohara speaking so negatively about her, or the fact that everyone in the room is talking as if the three girls are all being prepared to be sent out onto a battlefield.

 _What_ battlefield? What are they being prepared to fight? Who are they supposed to be fighting? _Why_ are they fighting?

It’s all worrisome, and Anri almost forgets she’s eavesdropping on a conversation she shouldn’t be hearing. The only thing that reminds her is when she hears Sonohara’s voice near the door, announcing he’s going to go check on the girls.

With that announcement, she scurries down the hall, hurries to find Mika, or Ruri, or just anywhere to be that isn’t near their monitors.

She doesn’t know if she’ll ever feel comfortable being near them again.

* * *

They all have dreams. Dreams that they’re not supposed to have. If anyone knew any of the girls were having them – Sonohara, Kujiragi, old man Yodogiri who none of them think is really alive – they’d be in trouble. They would be “put to sleep”.

For Ruri, they’re dreams about a beautiful woman with blonde hair. In these dreams, she feels an intense longing for this woman. A voice calls out her name, a cut off “Eli-”, which makes her think it’s a nickname, or a memory cut off too soon. Ruri dreams of flowers, flowers that appear initially like huge Venus Flytraps, but are much more vicious. She dreams of flying through the air, of half-blurred people who send saddened pangs through her.

In her waking moments, Ruri obtains a normal Venus Flytraps to take care of, and does not research the huge red ones, does not say a single word about that type. Everyone’s suspicious enough of her asking for the small ones that she intuitively knows that it would only raise more red flags if she researched the bigger ones. She takes what she gets, and bides her time.

And she never mentions that the voice she hears in her dreams is a male voice. Never mentions the two men she sees merge into one. Never mentions _anything_ , lest it backfires on her.

For Mika, they’re dreams of fabulous heists. She dreams of an adrenalin high that comes from committing a crime and getting away with it. Mika dreams of several people, of being several people, of being everyone, yet no one at the same time.

When she wakes, during her free time, Mika practices breaking in places. She learns how to pick locks, how to go unnoticed. No one’s suspicious of her, though they often complain of how she’s always breaking in places. The biggest complaint is from Seiji Yagiri, though she never stops with him. The supervisors only encourage her hobby, and make notes on their clipboards.

However, in both her dreams and her waking moments, she can never escape the voice that echoes behind her. It’s a voice that’s both _hers_ but _not_. The voice calls her “Master”, and she never tells anyone about it. Whenever she looks behind her when she hears it, she never sees anything.

For Anri, they’re dreams that are startlingly filled with unbridled irritation at anything and everything. Dreams of a young girl who can literally fly, who loses her hair but grows it back just as beautifully as before, who cries upon seeing Anri through a crowd of children as Anri returns their ball. Anri dreams of the same pools she emerged from, only she’s with a young boy instead of a pair of girls. A blurry face kicks her off of a cliff, she whisks away a fallen angel to die in peace.

As she wanders awake, Anri is occasionally overcome with irritation at the strangest of things. The “Innocence Trials”, their monitors, even Ruri and Mika, all for seemingly no reason. When she acts upon this irritation occasionally, people are surprised but don’t think it suspicious. In reality, they think it’s wonderful that she’s breaking out from her normal timid self occasionally.

Anri never mentions to anyone the flying girl, or the boy who kicks her off a cliff to safety in her dreams. She never confides to anyone that she imagines the agonizing feeling of stabbing her best friend. Anri never tells anyone of the premonition, pretends she never has it.

They all think,

_It’s best if I don’t tell anybody._

(They don’t know how right they are.)

* * *

One day, they get the news.

Anri has a feeling the three of them weren’t supposed to find out, but gossip can spread unchecked so, _so_ quickly, before anyone can think to put a lid on the news.

It turns out, they don’t have to send Seiji Yagiri to a different headquarters to help Mika focus on the “Innocence Trials”.

Because not even a week after Anri overhears that conversation, Seiji Yagiri _dies._

And Mika Harima is never the same.

None of them, really, are ever the same.

To be quite honest – not all of them live.

Whatever Miss Kujiragi meant by Seiji and Mika being separated causing another “Karma Incident”, Anri supposes later, in the aftermath, that this might be what she had been insinuating.

She thinks of her dreams, of her dream-self killing her best friend, and wonders if she’ll ever be able to wash the blood completely off her hands.

* * *

As soon as Miss Kujiragi, as soon as Yodogiri, discovers that the three girls know about Seiji’s death, a lockdown is put on headquarters. Staff is ordered to their rooms, monitors are told to keep Anri and Ruri in their rooms. It is quite obvious that Mika is missing, and that everyone is looking for her, or at least trying to keep her from hurting anyone, or herself.

It doesn’t take much for either girl to break out of their lockdown. Ruri knocks out her monitor quite dispassionately, does not even blink as she slams his head against the wall to her freedom. Anri knocks out hers a bit more apologetically, but she’s more worried for Mika than the monitor at this point. The words “Karma incident” keep running through her head like a mantra, and a strong feeling of unease runs through her. Something is not right, but she doesn’t know what.

“It’ll be best if we split up to look for Mika,” Ruri says, and indicates her head down the corridor to the left. “I’ll go this way.”

“R-Right,” Anri nods in agreement, and they separate.

(Later, she’ll wonder if Ruri knew all along what was going to happen, wonder if she knew that this was how things were going to end, how things were always meant to be.)

As she goes through the halls, she keeps an eye out for anybody else who might want to try to force her – or Ruri – back to their rooms. She doesn’t see any of the scientists, but she does catch a glimpse of two of the men in red cloaks, and seeing them is enough to send Anri hiding behind a pillar. The men in red scare her, probably for good reason, if her dreams are to be believed.

She holds her breath as they pass, mind going to the boy with purple hair, to the boy who kicked her dream-self off a cliff away from men in red just like these ones.

As soon as they pass, she’s headed in the opposite direction, instincts telling Anri that she needs to get as far away from them as possible.

Instinct takes Anri to the pools, to the cold room where she – and Mika and Ruri – were born from pools, and Mika isn’t there. No one’s there.

She hasn’t been to this room since her birth. Anri knows Mika stops by from time to time, but the other girl never stays for long. The only reason Mika stops – _stopped_ – by was because of the chance of running into Seiji. Mika’s not here, but Anri takes time from searching for her friend to walk the pools.

She is… disturbed by what she sees.

In each of the pools are half-formed bodies. Some are stunted, some are still growing, some are moving limply in the water. Anri stumbles away from one pool, the disfigured body within reaching a stumped arm towards her, slapping a hand over her mouth. Whether to prevent herself from screaming or vomiting, Anri isn’t too sure.

Anri stumbles her way all the way to the other side of the room, and only then does she give in to the urge to scream, seeing the two mutilated corpses sitting against the edge of the room. They’re two men, ones who Anri’s only ever seen in passing and never had a real conversation with. And she never will get a chance to have a real conversation with them. The amount of blood and how mutilated their bodies are shows how far beyond saving they are.

“Terrible, isn’t it.” It’s not a question but a statement that slices through the cold atmosphere of the room. Anri tears her gaze from the two corpses to stare at Miss Kujiragi, who’s making her way through the room, flanked by two of the men in red cloaks. “Mika Harima did that.”

“You’re lying,” Anri denies, though it’s not as forceful or confident as she would have hoped. “Mika would never hurt anybody!”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Anri.” Miss Kujiragi denies calmly, stopping a short distance away from Anri. She’s far enough away for Anri to feel as if she isn’t caged, but close enough that if Anri tries something she’ll be stopped immediately. “Mika Harima would never hurt Seiji Yagiri. However, as you all know, Seiji Yagiri is dead. As a result of his death, Mika Harima killed those two among several others.”

“I don’t believe you!” Anri cries out. Mika would never hurt anyone without a good reason. Miss Kujiragi has to be lying, or keeping something from her. Within her, the familiar irritation that is commonplace in her dreams is bubbling up within her, and Anri isn’t sure if it’s just a phantom image of irritation, or her own, genuine, feelings.

“Supervisor,” One of the men in red says, “She is demonstrating a propensity for violence. We will be subduing her now.”

Anri doesn’t know what the man means, until she sees that she has quite literally picked up one of the corpses.

“Yes,” Miss Kujiragi agrees. “That would be the best course of action at this point. We don’t want to lose all of them.”

She doesn’t know what to do, but she doesn’t want the men in red cloaks to do anything to her. Because she is still holding the corpse, Anri mutters a small apology to the dead man, and hurls it at one of the men in red. Logic tells her she will never make it past Miss Kujiragi and the men in red, but she can see the path that Mika took from here. Two steps to the side is a blood trail leading to an opening that drops lower down into the building. Anri isn’t too sure where it leads, and she’s certain that Miss Kujiragi does, but anything’s better than staying here.

Taking a deep breath, Anri gives a quick, “I’m sorry,” to both the men in red and Miss Kujiragi, before she jumps down the opening.

She’s not sure how deep it is, she’s not sure if she’ll get hurt jumping down like this, but she hopes that if she does, that the mysterious regenerative abilities Sonohara, Kujiragi, and the other man were talking about will heal her.

And Anri hopes that Mika will be at the bottom.

* * *

Bones crack and break under the stress of slamming into the concrete floor at the bottom, but Anri doesn’t die. She doesn’t stay down for long, the regenerative powers the higher ups had been talking about kicking in and immediately healing the breaks and bruises she sustained from her fall. Standing up slowly, she brushes away dirt and blood from her healing knees, and looks around the new room she arrived in.

Surrounding her are the several pillars that are always present in the “Innocence Trials”, and it takes Anri but a moment to realize that the room she has dropped into _is_ the room they conduct the “Innocence Trials” in. They’re the same pillars, the same statues, the same everything.

Mika must have dropped in here for a specific reason, she thinks. She must have known that the drop led here, Mika must have wanted to be in this room.

But _why?_ _Why_ did Mika want to be in this hell-ridden torture room?

“Mika?” Anri calls out softly, eyes finding the blood trail on the floor. Following it, she continues speaking, “Are you down here?” Or has she left already? Had she been caught?

What would happen to her if she was caught? What would happen to any of them?

Anri turns a corner, and finds Mika.

The wings of the angel statue she’s standing by is piercing six sharp holes through her, bloodying the young girl even more so than she had been before. At her feet is a mutilated body of a man in red, and in front of her, Mika has another one by the throat.

Anri is horrified. She hadn’t thought that Miss Kujiragi could have been right, didn’t want to consider that she could ever _possibly_ be right…

“Mika!” Anri calls out, voice more confident than she actually feels. Stepping fully out from behind the pillar she had positioned herself by, she focuses her gaze on the other girl instead of either of the men. “What are you doing?”

“R-Run,” The man Mika has by the throat coughs, before Mika tightens her grip and he slumps boneless. Dropping the man to the ground he doesn’t so much as twitch. Anri swallows nervously.

“Ah, Anri!” Mika greets cheerfully, as if she hadn’t just killed a man right in front of her friend, and most likely killed three others. “Funny seeing you here! Typically, no one’s down here unless they’re running trials!”

“I-I know,” Anri says, hesitantly and slowly crossing the distance between them. “I-I came here looking for you. What about you, Mika? Everyone’s worried about you.”

“Oh, really? Everyone’s worried about me? Why would they be?” She asks in a chipper tone, turning to face Anri, the wings of the statue moving with her.

“W-Well, they were worried about how you would react to the news about Seiji,” Anri says, taking another cautious step forward, stopping the instant Mika’s demeanor does a one-eighty.

“ _Don’t say his name!”_ Mika snarls, voice inhuman and not at all her own.

After a shocked silent moment, where Anri stares at her friend in shock, Mika seems to catch herself, eyes widening, as if she just realizes how she’s acting.

“Hahaha, wow!” She chuckles nervously, placing a bloodied hand to her forehead. “I’m _super_ sorry Anri, I didn’t mean to yell at you!”

“I-It’s okay Mika,” Anri replies. “I-I forgive you. Why don’t we just go back with the others, and –”

“No.” Mika cuts Anri off sharply. “I can’t go back.”

“What do you mean Mika?”

“Don’t you get it Anri?” She lets out a high, nervous, laugh. “I’ve killed people. _A lot_ of people. Even if I go back, they’re not going to keep me. To them, I’m considered a failure. They’ll get rid of me – maybe even _all_ of us.”

“Th-That’s not true Mika.” Anri pleads. “We can still figure this out.”

“Even if we could, I don’t want to live anymore.” Mika says, shaking her head. “I don’t want to live in a world without Seiji. And even if I did, things like _us_ don’t belong in this world. The world is much better off without us.”

“M-Mika?” She’s scaring Anri, and Anri’s not sure how she should react in this situation. “What are you talking about? D-Don’t say things like that, of course we belong in this world!”

“Anri,” Before Anri can blink, Mika is in front of her, holding her hands and giving her a pleading look. “Please, I’m asking as your friend – _please,_ kill me.”

“What?” Anri tears her hands away from Mika, takes two steps back for good measure. “No, I can’t – I won’t, Mika. Don’t ask me to do that.”

“The Crows can’t do it, I can’t do it – _please,_ Anri, _please_ , kill me.” Mika pleads. She takes a step towards Anri, who takes a step back.

“No Mika,” She repeats herself. “I won’t! No matter how many times you ask me, _I won’t!_ ”

“If you won’t do it,” Mika says, “Then I’ll make you.”

It’s the only warning Anri receives, before Mika’s body is slumping against the pillar. Panic flares hot and quick in her, and she takes a step towards Mika before her body freezes in place. She doesn’t stop because she just realized she’s trying to help what is very much a suicidal murderer, no, she freezes because, quite simply, _she can’t move her own body._

Her body moves under a separate power than her own, taking measured steps to one of the nearby angel statues, her gaze not leaving Mika’s body.

 _I’m sorry, Anri._ She hears in her head, moments before the statue’s wings pierce her body, causing her to cough up blood. _I really am._

Outwardly, her voice says, with much more confidence than Anri believes she could ever be capable of, “Activate.”

Anri can feel the statue resisting, can feel numbing pulses shocking her entire body, causing her to cough up more blood. But they’re resisting its resistance, they’re pushing against, pushing against it more than she has before, and slowly, slowly but surely, the statue is morphing the wing points piercing her body into a demented mockery of a katana, casing her hand in its process. Behind them there’s a cracking sound and, while her head doesn’t turn back, they know that it’s the wings breaking off of the statue.

“I really, really, am sorry Anri,” Mika says with Anri’s voice, stepping towards her own body and raising the katana above their head.

“ _No!”_ Anri’s voice breaks out, her will somehow managing to overcome whatever Mika is doing to control her body. Her hand freezes, straining to keep the katana held over her head and not to bring it down on Mika’s body. “I’m – I’m not going to let you use me like this Mika!”

What follows is a battle of wills, a battle of two girls trying to control just one body.

“ _What would Seiji think?!”_ Anri cries out at one point, struggling to maintain fragile control over what is supposed to be her body. “Do you really think he would want to kill yourself like this just because he’s dead, Mika? Don’t you think he’d want you to live?”

It gives her pause, but only for a moment.

“Of course I know Seiji would want me to live Anri,” Mika replies, speaking calmly and surely. Her words are spoken matter-of-factly, as if she has thought of this exact situation several times before. “But Seiji’s not here, and what he would want isn’t what I want. Because I don’t want to live in a world without my Seiji. I’d much rather die so we could be reincarnated together!”

“Ah, but wouldn’t you much rather get revenge on the ones who killed Seiji Yagiri before dying?” A familiar voice, but one they weren’t expecting. They move their head as one to look at the new addition to their already harried conversation.

“No!” Mika says cheerfully with a smile, before Anri is greeting her with the same voice, albeit more hesitant, saying, “M-Miss Kujiragi.”

“We’re tired, Kasane Kujiragi,” Mike continues cheerfully, momentarily surprising Anri – before this point, she had never learned Miss Kujiragi’s first name. It just hadn’t been necessary. “We don’t want to fight, not anymore.”

“Regardless,” Miss Kujiragi dismisses Mika’s response, taking measured steps towards Anri and Mika, flanked by two men in red – two Crows. “We are not taking your opinion into consideration Mika Harima. Not when you’ve so aptly assisted us in reaching our goal.”

“Restrain both of them,” Miss Kujiragi commands the two Crows.

“I _am not_ your tin soldier!” Mika snarls with Anri’s voice, forcibly turning their body towards her own, intent on following through with what she had started. “ _Your_ war isn’t mine, and my life isn’t yours to do with you wish! My life is my own, and I want to join Seiji!”

“ _Fire Blast_ ,” The two Crows say, throwing binding tags at Anri’s body.

Unexpectedly, the blasts do not hit them. They go off, but the brunt of the flames does not hit their body. This is not a mistake.

Imperceptibly, so quickly that one had to be keeping a close eye to realize what happened, Mika Harima’s body moved so that it was between Anri Sonohara and the flames meant to hit her. For Anri, and Anri only, this is a confusing development, as Mika’s mind is still very much present in her own headspace, yet her body is moving despite this fact.

Mika’s body coughs, shakes a little, but does not move from its position between them and Miss Kujiragi and the Crows. Blackened, burned, skin flakes off and slowly it returns to its normal luster. Whatever is operating the body does not bother to assist in this process, or even wipe away the ash and blood.

“I am tired.” Mika’s body informs Miss Kujiragi. “I have fought in this war for fifteen years already. I lost my Master once, and I still have not finished grieving him. But here you are, trying to drag me, and my kin, back into a war using our old relationships against us, trying to fool us into believing our dear ones are still alive when they _aren’t_.”

The being in Mika’s body steps towards Miss Kujiragi and the Crows.

“I have done my service to this war already and, when I am done grieving, I will return to it. _When I am ready.”_ It continues. “As it stands, I am not ready, and yet you are needlessly harassing not only myself but others as well, and this is not right, this is not His wish.”

“This is not even permitted by the Order,” Ruri’s voice breaks through quietly, her footsteps in puddles of blood and water louder than her soft accusation. In her hands she holds files and papers, and Anri knows that she was never looking for Mika, instead looking for whatever she found.

“On paper we’re called the Fourth Exorcist Project,” Ruri says, standing midway between Anri and Mika, and Miss Kujiragi and the Crows, forming what would appear at first glance to be a three-way standoff. “In definition, we are supposed to be completely artificial soldiers wielding artificial Innocence to fight in the war. In reality, we are the resurrection of the Second Exorcist Project.”

“And mildly more successful than the initial project,” Miss Kujiragi does not deny Ruri’s accusation. “We showed nearly a hundred percent decrease in unnecessary violence between subjects, and vast increase in synchronization success. Was it not for the untimely death of Seiji Yagiri, we would have been able to present the project as an overwhelming success with our changes to it.”

“I remember the initial project,” Mika’s body responds. “My Master joined the Order just in time for the final fallout. The two Exorcists you brought back inevitably caused one another’s destruction, and your folly in bringing about the Third Exorcist Project from the ashes of the Second caused more damage than good. It would have been better for you to forget attempting to create artificial soldiers and allow His chosen to fight the battles.”

“It’s been fifty years since then.” Miss Kujiragi counters coolly. “The times have changed –”

“The times never change Kasane.” The being in Mika’s body responds wisely. “The Order always claims a failing state of the war to be reason enough for them to create artificial soldiers rather than having faith and trusting in Him.”

It sighs, and turns, opening Mika’s arms, and itself, to splay her body towards the room.

“I am tired, and grieving,” It repeats. “My only request is that you stop tormenting myself and my kin, and allow us all to grieve peacefully until we are ready to rejoin the war. It is our wish, and His will, that you _end_ this project of yours, Kasane Kujiragi.”

A moment passes, and it almost seems as if Miss Kujiragi is considering the request. Then,

“Subdue them.” She orders the remaining Crow member.

Except it’s not just one Crow member, it’s several, as there weren’t just the two who Miss Kujiragi had flanking her, but several others hiding in the shadows as well, waiting in silence until they received the order.

What happens is a blur.

Mika is the one controlling their body, guiding their mock katana to slice through the body of one Crow member. Blood spews from the wound, but Mika doesn’t flinch, kicking away the body to hack at a different one. Anri is terrified.

They’re facing away from Mika’s body and Ruri, but she can hear the screams of pain behind them, and doesn’t want to know what’s going on behind her. It’s all Anri can do to bear the sight that Mika is unfolding in front of her.

“Stop!”

And, somehow, that seems to be the magic word that ends the slaughter.

Anri manages to wrest control from Mika, freezes their body with the katana held high above their head, ready to bring it down on a helpless Crow. She doesn’t manage to drop the katana, but she lowers it and stumbles away from the Crow, turning to look for Ruri and Mika’s body, for Miss Kujiragi.

Everyone, except for Miss Kujiragi, is covered in blood.

“Why are we fighting one another?” Anri demands, fear coursing through her veins turning into one of the strongest bouts of confidence she has felt in her short time of being alive. “Why are we killing one another like _savages?_ This isn’t right!” She wants to toss the katana to the side, but instead of managing to toss it, she tightens her grip on the hilt.

“I’m tired of fighting! I’m tired of attacking friends because I’m told to! I’m _tired of it all!_ ” There are tears sliding down her cheeks; she’s not sure when she started crying, but Anri doesn’t have time to be embarrassed about it now. “I don’t want to be angry at anyone, I don’t want to fight for my life! I don’t want to experience pain, I just want to live quietly with my friends, is that too much to ask?”

Her legs want to collapse under her, but something keeps her standing.

She knows, without anyone telling her, that it is too much to ask.

“No, it’s not,” The being in Mika’s body smiles at her, somehow managing to look reassuring despite being covered in blood. It is suddenly much, much closer to her than it was before, turning its back to the remaining people in the room to focus on Anri instead. “It was wrong for you to be brought into this side of the world when a kind heart such as yours was meant for so much more than the heavy duty that you’ve been burdened with by being forced into this life.”

Mika’s hand is reached out towards Anri, a disarming smile still on her face.

“I am not yet to rejoin this war; I have said this many times already.” It says, “But you, while you are not yet ready either, you have the will to survive, you have the ability to be much stronger than I, had I joined unready as I am. I ask that you take this gift of mine, from one kinsman to the other.” It displays Mika’s hand palm up, and Anri’s not sure what possesses her to rest hers over top of Mika’s.

A soft green glow resonates between the two palms, warmth flowing from her arm to fill her body. The stone covering the katana and her hand creep up her arm and her shoulder, slowly fading through her clothes and sinking into Anri’s skin. Similarly, the katana that is left behind, the one that was hidden underneath the stone, sinks down, down, down, into Anri’s palm until it disappears completely, as if it had never existed at all. For some reason, while it should worry her, Anri doesn’t feel concerned at all.

“Umm,” Anri’s not sure what she should say, blinking away what few tears are still in her eyes. “Th-Thank you.” She’s not sure what gift the being inside of Mika gave her, but Anri is fairly certain that it would be rude of her to ask.

“No, thank you.” It says, blinking slowly, invading Anri’s personal space. “My only request, my friend, is that in return for my gift, you please comply with my wish.” Suddenly Anri is uneasy, and is almost certain that the being is no longer talking to her, but someone – or something – else entirely. And she doesn’t think it’s Mika, who’s been quiet for quite some time now, like she’s left completely.

“Please, _allow me to return to my grieving_.”

 _As you wish,_ A different, new, voice replies within Anri’s head. This voice is the only warning she receives before the tip of a katana bursts from her chest, impaling Mika with how close they are. Anri gasps, wants to scream, wants to move away, but she is frozen on the spot.

Before she can gather the will to actually move, electricity pulses between the two bodies, electrocuting Mika’s, the body convulsing wildly against the energy. By the time Anri manages to compose herself and push Mika away, the other girl’s body has slumped lifelessly, and Mika drops to the ground as if she were no more than a puppet whose strings had been cut.

And who knows, maybe she was.

Maybe they all are puppets.

Anri doesn’t know, and she’s fairly certain Ruri doesn’t either.

They could all be puppets in this tragic game called life.

* * *

Sometime later, Anri realizes she has been moved from the room where the pillars were back to the dorms.

She is still bloody, but there’s no longer a katana sticking out of her chest. Ruri is sitting on a chair nearby, looking at her with her standard blank expression. She, too, is still bloody, and Anri notices almost immediately the two canine teeth protruding slightly over her lips, and the bloody smears near her mouth. Anri chooses not to mention it.

Miss Kujiragi is nowhere in sight, and something tells Anri that she’s gone too.

“What… what do we do now?” Anri asks, choosing to stare at the floor between her feet rather than look at Ruri.

“We don’t have a choice,” Ruri says simply and when Anri does dare to raise her head the older girl is looking towards the door. “We’re going to be moved to the main Headquarters, and from there we’ll be expected to contribute to the fighting.”

“I don’t want to fight,” Anri voices softly, feeling slightly ashamed of her admission. She doesn’t ask what fighting they’ll be doing; she’d much rather be kept in the dark a little longer yet.

“Neither do I,” Ruri agrees. “But our lives are not our own. They never were.”

She doesn’t have a response to that, just tacit agreement. So Anri doesn’t say anything, choosing instead to stare at the closed door with Ruri, waiting for the knob to turn to signal their leave to the main headquarters.

When it does, when the door opens, for some reason the air beyond the dormitory has never smelt so much like freedom as it does now.

And though Anri knows that life is going to get more difficult from this point on, she feels lighter as she leaves the lab behind.

And as she sees the outside for the first time, she thinks that Mika would have enjoyed it.

( _Mika agrees._ )

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ahahaha, this was such a wild ride to write....
> 
> To clarify some points if you're curious:
> 
> 1\. This takes place 50 years after the end of the current D.Gray-Man canon. It goes off the assumption that at that point in time the Order did not manage to win the war.
> 
> 2\. This was a take on the revival of the Second Exorcist Project; it was argued against, but inevitably superiors were lied to, yadda yadda, and it occurred nonetheless.
> 
> 3\. To explain who each of the girls were/the Innocence they held (in case it wasn't obvious enough): Ruri was Krory, Mika was Timothy with Tsukikami, and Anri was Kanda (poor soul).
> 
> 4\. Tsukikami's "gift" was what turned Mugen (Kanda's original Innocence") into what'll be Saika for any continuations of this series. 
> 
> 5\. The girls were kept heavily in the dark with this run of the Second Exorcist Project. The researchers thought that if they did so, they would have more success - which they did. They thought if they let the girls have minimal more autonomy (such as names, whatnot) they'd be more compliant. 
> 
> 6\. To go over their ages in this, Mika and Anri are about 10 years old, while Ruri is about 13/14. The reason they may sound older is because they are surrounded 24/7 by adults who don't water down their language and treat them like adults/test subjects. In their eyes, these girls aren't children but soldiers and test subjects.
> 
> 7\. Seiji is about 11 years old, and relationship with Mika is very much the early series style where he views her more as a stalker than anything. The researchers encouraged Mika's pursuit, and it was one of the few child-like things they permitted. Seiji was studying to become a researcher with the Second Exorcist Project, with his sister Namie (20), who was one of the researchers.
> 
> 8\. I am quite aware of the regenerative ability of the Second Exorcists, and of what exactly occurred within the Alma Karma Arc within the Manga/Anime, and of any inconsistencies between that and what occurred with Mika in this. Please don't point this out, I am aware of it and there is a reason for it. That is all I will say on that.
> 
> Ahhh, I can't think of anything else I might need to clarify... If I missed something, or didn't touch on something you're curious about, feel free to ask me!


End file.
